Don’t you hate it when you’re tired but you can’t sleep? I made the mistake of having a second cup of coffee yesterday followed by a massive piece of my Mom’s famous and insanely delicious Chocolate Peanut Butter Pie right before bed and bam, there I tossed. And turned. What is it about 3am that feels so dark? Why do we insist on dredging up every mistake from the past and every fear of the future right then? I think the Ego knows we are ripe for the plucking and takes advantage. The Ego frequently does its best work while our mind tosses and our body turns. It loves to marinate in itself, re-telling its favourite storylines. The Ego cannot exist in the present which is why it is forced to relive the past over and over as it longs for the good old days, cringes over past mistakes and replays hurtful conversations and failures. Why? Because it was the one who was most affected. Hurt. Humiliated. As we learn to become more fully present we start to see through this ruse and the door on the past can begin to close.
It’s impossible to be fully present while stuck in the past which is why counting sheep or focusing on your breath or listening to the faint sounds of your space often break this cycle of unrest. But the Ego is crafty! And a survivor! So instead it turns our attention to the future citing the importance of planning ahead/ micro-managing our life. Nice one ego. The Ego is an escape artist and will do anything it can to wiggle off from the here and now. Why? Because when we’re present and aware we’re in the driver’s seat and the ego is forced to take a back seat where it seethes and plots its return. The Ego is absolutely the most obnoxious back seat driver in history and when we’re triggered (over-tired, hungry, stressed) it can wrestle the wheel away from us. That’s why this often happens in the dead of night and for some of us, day never comes.
Ok, this post was a bit dark. And yes, it can sure feel dark at 3am. But it’s all an illusion that we can break by dropping the storyline and returning to the present. The place where life actually happens. The say it’s darkest before the dawn. Mindfulness is the dawn we can enjoy at any time which is why our Waking Hour meditation and quiet time is so crucial. Hope you’re seeing improvement!